Cheers to the 3AM rants

I wrote something a few weeks ago that I’d like to share.

Cheers to the 3AM rants:

October 3rd, 2016 3:08AM
It’s comedic, really.
Growing up I was the tomboy,
The girl with a pronunciation problems and gap teeth.
I was made fun of for the way I looked
And the way I talked.
I’d go home and cry myself to sleep
At only 9-years-old.
My older sister would tell me
That the other kids were just jealous,
But what were they jealous of?
I viewed myself as ugly,
At only 9-years-old.
When I was in middle school
I was labeled as a
“Bitch”, “Weirdo”
And other things I cant push myself to say.
When I was in high school
I struggled with self harm, depression and suicidal thoughts.
I battled with bullies and insecurities.
I was called a “whore” at fourteen just because
I wouldn’t have sex with my boyfriend
Because my mother taught me about purity
And saving yourself for the man I will marry.
I was only fourteen when I was sexually assaulted
By someone I believed loved me.
Terrified and broken
I kept the incident to myself for years.
“What did I do wrong?”
“It’s my fault.”
I blamed myself for what happened.
Because I wouldn’t “Put out”.
And at that time I vowed to not give myself to just anyone.
Even though depression was taking over my life.
I felt exposed and disgusting and worthless.
When I was fifteen I snuck out of my parents house
And stood in the middle of a busy road hoping a car
Perhaps a drunk driver would hit me.
I ended up walking back to the house and crying myself to sleep
I was bullied out of one of the high schools I went to and so were my siblings.
Immaturity can come in all ages
And that was something I learned that year.
I started at a new school, at fifteen.
I was the ‘New Girl’ all over again.
Luckily this was my third and final high school.
At first it was nice
I started to take care of myself
Like brush my hair
Put on makeup
Do my homework.
I made friends,
I made a best friend.
I was sixteen years old when I shattered my collarbone.
I was exempted from finals-
Had a metal plate put in my shoulder
Which ruined my nerves in my left arm and shoulder.
I spent most of the summer alone with family and in bed.
My so called “friends” didn’t even come to visit me.
Didn’t see how I was doing
Not even the ones that were there when it happened.
I went from ‘popular girl’ to ‘forgotten girl’
You see my mother wouldn’t let me take any drugs stronger
Than ibuprofen because she knew about the addiction problem
In my family. I kept a high intake of drugs that I could take
Because the pain was unbearable.
So there I was, at sixteen
Popping pills like it was my job.
Such a memorable summer,
Not really.
Right after my seventeenth birthday
I had surgery to remove the metal plate in my body.
While being put under my mother handed me
A batman shaped invitation saying
That I was the a princess on homecoming court.
A princess, ha, surrounded by fake people
Twirling quickly through a Christian hell hole.
So there I go as the world went dark.
Harassed through my final year of high school
I received the letter that would send me off
Across the continent
On an island
To live in the greatest city in the world.
Trying to push through
So I could become someone I want to be
To prove the ones who doubted me wrong.
Bets were made to see how long I’d last
Doubting my dreams
Doubting my goals
Knowing they thought I’d never amount to anything.
Here I am.
I made it to New York City
Falling in love with everything around me.
I met a guy and fell in love.
Eighteen years old in love with a southern Georgia guy
With bright blue eyes and a brilliant mind.
I saw a future.
I created an entire world with us.
It was nothing, but him.
He was my world.
But I made a mistake many do
I depended on him completely,
So I fell.
Letting all of my guards down,
Depression creeped back in.
This time it consumed my happiness.
From lack of confidence
To the lows of depression
From suicidal thoughts
To days without sleep
The darkness consumed me.
And it destroyed my relationship
Lost and confused
My broken parents ended their marriage
While I was three thousand miles away.
My family was not a family.
My family was no more.
Sobbing in his arms
Weak, selfish, insecure, depressed
He held me.
My best friend
My biggest supporter
We fell.
Lost ourselves during year two
Broken hearts, unsettled matters
We fell
Nineteen years old
With no place I called home.
Atlanta was the next adventure
Just for a summer.
Four months in a city I never explored
Living with one of my best friend.
Depressed and working six days a week.
My boyfriend barely saw me.
Living 30 minutes apart
Maybe it was time for a break?
So there I was
Third year of college
The day of my twentieth birthday
A week after we ended our relationship.
Both so broken, both in love.
We spent our birthdays side by side.
So it began,
I went off course with my life plan
Partying, countless jobs and full time in school.
I lost myself
I took to alcohol,
I flirted and dated guys polar opposite of him.
I had to fall further down before getting back up.
I realized my worth when I woke up in bed
Next to some guy I didn’t remember sleeping with.
Terrified and heartbroken
I thought of him while I cried
With no recollection of the night before.
I missed myself.
The confident, beautiful, hardworking woman.
I spent the summer working on myself,
Working several jobs.
At the beginning I wrote a letter and apologized to him.
I still loved him
And he said “Thank you”.
My twenty-first birthday was approaching and he to talk to me more.
On my birthday he showed up
And my sister saw the way he looked at me
And the way he treated me.
That night I told her how I felt
And she told me to go after him.
So I did.
So, it’s the last year of college
And I called him out.
I asked for more and told him I was ready and in love.
He said powerful things.
He said we’d talk more.
So here I am heartbroken and rebuilding.
Heres to women.
Heres to those suffering with mental illnesses
Heres to the ones finding themselves at every age.
It’s a fight
So keep on fighting.
-CG

I wrote this a few weeks ago… things change and so do people.
Acknowledge that.

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