Every day for the past month and a half…I’ve written over and over again “I’m trying”…
And my god have I been trying.
I was in the first class of the day this morning, everything was ok for the first hour, but the last 30 minutes were unbearable. I was contemplating running out of the classroom. I couldn’t make eye contact to the people sitting next to me or the professor. I was frozen in my mind. I knew I was about to have a panic attack. I was trying to last the entire class… as soon as the professor ended I rushed out of the room walked straight to the library and sat for 5 minutes on the bathroom floor trying to pull myself together. It’s been like this for a year now. At one point six months ago… it was every day. Today, it happened twice. I don’t know how to talk about it or who to tell and when I get asked I say “I’m fine”.
When it comes down to it, I’m closed off. I’ll give people just enough so they’ll not question things and move on. I’ve caged myself in this fortress that when someone finds whats inside they get scared and they leave.
I’ve been told by countless people that I’ve loved and that I’ve liked that I “deserve better”… My question for them is “what do you think I deserve? What is this ‘better’ that you’re talking about?” and mostly they don’t have an answer.
I think about the people that have left my life with no explanation. Some… it makes sense, but it’s the people that got me to open up that haunt me. Why did they leave? What did I do wrong? I know that once I care about someone, I’m all in and I think that scares them or I didn’t express myself enough or I’m too much.
I’ve had this mentality that if I give up what good will that do? I want to be more than what I am now and I think I can be more. However, I lack the self-confidence. I don’t show it, but at the end of the day I’m over analyzing what the people I’ve talked to have said to me. What it means. What does it mean when they leave without a reason? I overanalyze everything.
I’ve gone through friendship after friendship because I outgrow them, but accepting that is the kicker because up until I got to college I blamed myself for all of the friendships that have ended when it’s not entirely true.
I know my flaws, but I do need to have people call me out so I can work on myself.
For the past year, I’ve had some lost times. It hasn’t been until the last two months that I’ve felt truly like myself. Constantly concerned about pleasing the important people in my life, being too nice and causing myself to suffer has disrupted my life goals and I’m tired of it.
The truth is clear to me. Though, the past two weeks I’ve been in a weird state of mind, but I’ve been secluding myself from things and doing things like cutting off some of my hair and getting a septum piercing are all things I’ve been wanting to do.
I’m trying to love myself more.
I’m trying to create a life for myself.
I’m trying in so many areas.
I can’t help that I get lonely, it’s inevitable.
I know I’m my biggest enemy, but I’m trying so hard to love myself more.
the thing about writing is
i can’t tell if it’s healing
or destroying me
Milk and Honey – Rupi Kaur