It’s the one word I can use to describe today. I woke up this morning at 7AM and immediately turned to my notebook and pen left next to me from the night before. I didn’t look at my phone like I usually do first thing every morning. I didn’t notice the missed texts, snapchat messages or phone calls from people close to me or the news alerts from AP, BBC, CNN, ABC, The New York Times or The Washington Post. I didn’t check my phone for another hour after I’ve woken up.
I went to sleep the night before expecting things I know I shouldn’t and feeling rather down. I woke up this morning needing a day off. I have 25 pages of a take home final that I need to finish before 11:59PM on Monday that I haven’t started. I need to sign the papers to a lease for a new apartment, do laundry, pack up my current apartment and clean. I didn’t do any of those things today.
I got out of bed and went to gather my laundry only to have the giant suitcase I use, to roll down the street to the laundry mat, break on me. I took that as a sign. I grabbed warm socks and walked into my kitchen to make hot chocolate. I bundled up and sat on the stairs in the “glass box” my landlord built in the back of the house that leads to the entrance of my place. I watched as the snow fell. There’s a quietness that comes when it begins to snow. Everyone around seems to understand that it’s time to be quiet, there needs to be quiet. Back inside, I got dressed and packed up my bag, as if I was going to study.
I was headed to Brooklyn when I decided I needed to write. I needed to go to the one place I went to all of the time my Freshmen and Sophomore year of college and that was The Metropolitan Museum of Art in the Upper East Side. I took the trains up, walked a few blocks and sat in my favorite room, in front of my favorite statue for 2 hours writing. Writing about myself, the past four years of college, the past 5 months of my life, the changes. I felt the glances of people and the wandering eyes that walked past me trying to see what I was sketching and how peoples bodies would shift when they saw I was only writing. Writing, that’s it.
I shifted from room to room until I ended up in The Sackler Wing:
Here is where I wrote something the post was originally supposed to be about.
Depression is a creature that will never die, but creep, haunt, attack and overwhelm. I’m a delicate flower, bending for what I know will hurt me and breaking when I knew what I was getting into. – Saturday, December 17, 2016 12:27P.M.
The past couple of months have been physically and emotionally exhausting. I’m exhausted. I became numb to the pain so I could finish out this semester. It’s hitting me now, everything that’s happened and I don’t know what to do about it besides write.