Open letter to him: mainly for myself

You don’t know this, but you took half of me. You knew how he hurt me and took that part of me I’ll never get back. You picked up the broken pieces and placed them back in place one by one. Little did I know you were taking pieces of me, one by one and gradually pushing me away. I told you when I love, I love entirely. The next person who wanted me, didn’t know, didn’t understand that I was too far gone. Far too damaged, to love the way I can love. I resented that person for trying when I was clearly too low and rebuilding what was left after us. I spent a year believing you still wanted me.

It was that cold autumn night, sitting in a coffee shop when you looked me into my tear filled eyes, past the walls you knocked down and the gates I created for you walk through. You told me you didn’t know what you wanted. You told me you didn’t know if you wanted me at that time. You told me how you weren’t the same person. I didn’t care. I already saw how broken you were when I met you. I always wanted to go through it all with you. But you dragged me through a year of believing we would end up together. I couldn’t put myself through it any longer.

I can’t chase after someone that doesn’t want me. Ironic, because someone who actually wanted me, I didn’t know how to pull myself up and piece myself back together enough for that person. They also never gave me that chance to… so it ended. You believe because you hurt me there’s no going back. As if I don’t love you unconditionally. I often think that maybe the reason why you left is because you fell in love with me when I was at my best and couldn’t handle me in my mess. You compare love to your parents fucked up marriage. You see pain in a different way and try and hide from it instead of facing it. But darling you didn’t hurt me in the way our parents hurt each other. I was struggling with depression and my parents divorce. You took the slack as my partner and I will forever be thankful for that. You encouraged me. You guided me and it was not fair to you because I neglected you.

Darling, I was left confused and feeling unwanted. I was lost and needed to find myself. I lost two great friendships, with you and another. For when I met the one I’m with now, I have very little to give. I’m terrified to give. I want so much more to give to the one I’m with, but you took that half of me and letting go, letting this other person in is taking everything in me. This person deserves a better me. Someone better than what I am now. You darling, deserve/deserved someone better.

I don’t know how someone can love a broken woman like me. I don’t know if I deserve the love I’ve received. I don’t know what will come next. I don’t know what happens when I open myself up again. I do know that I am doing what I need to do to build a better me. I do know I can choose this happiness because at the end of the day I am all that I have left. I do know that I needed to hit my lowest point in order rise like I am now. I do know that I want to love and I want to be loved in return. I learned years ago that you can’t force people in your life. You can’t force them to stay, you can’t force them to want, to truly emotionally leave. If you’re not emotionally ready, don’t force it.

Sometimes you have to let them go on with their lives in order to save yourself.

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