Giving myself credit

There are people who I believed would be there during the dark times, the hard times. People, I never thought for a second would remain silent during my pain or cry out for help.

Boy was I wrong.

I’ve spent the past month since I posted my blog ‘Twice’ for the world to read, overanalyzing every part of it. I didn’t know how to address it to family members, I don’t even know if they read it. The ones that reached out to me, have been incredible. It was disheartening however, I pride myself on my relationship with my siblings, but this was something they all remained silent on.

Yes, I’m aware people don’t know how to address complicated topics.

The other night at dinner a family member who is visiting brought up the person that raped me when I was fourteen. I froze up, took a sip of my wine and asked to change the subject. If that family member (who I knew read my blog) reached out to me in regards to that. They’d know that, that’s the person who hurt me, but that family members is one of the many who is “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

Last month, was the first time I came out publicly about my first assault to people that aren’t my close friends or people from past relationships.

Since that conversation, I have been plagued with never ending anxiety. I’ve been tense at work, I’ve been tense all day. Why would they bring up that name after all these years?

In high school, several people in my family assumed I lived a promiscuous life, because of the attention I received. In reality, I was terrified. I wouldn’t let anyone go near me in that way until my boyfriend my first two years of college.

I guarded myself. Plagued with insecurities and depression, I pressed on.

It’s not easy coming clean 7 years later about something to have my mom call me and tell me that she should’ve protected me and kept me safe. In reality, my mother did her best to protect me and love me. It was the wolf disguised as a sheep who deceived everyone.

So, I’m giving myself credit. I struggle with my assaults everyday, I struggle from depression every day. I am a woman. I am human. No one can take that from me.

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