What do I deserve

Over the past three months I’ve received a lot of feedback from my last post. I’ve had many people who follow me on here reach out to me asking if I’m ok or if I sought help.

I’m sorry, I haven’t written sooner… I’ve been busy. Busy, with work…my health. Shortly after I posted “Mental Illness in my Conservative Family” I started seeing a psychologist weekly. Someone who could help me sort through it all. I’ve seen a drastic change in my life through talking to someone. No sugar coating, no lies. Complete and painful truth.

What brought me back to this blog is I guess a response to all of those out there who contacted me.

I’ve spent hours trying to decide what to write and how to write it.

The question that’s been looming over me for the past two days is what do I deserve?

I want to share a journal entry from January 10th, 2018:


I’m growing. My depression isn’t pulling me down as much and I’m trying.

Three weeks ago, I was promoted at my job. A job that is not necessarily the field I want to be in, but I’m only 22 and I have time.


I’ve worked long days and have had long nights. A lot can happen in 3 months. I’ve taken an interest in my health and have had dozens of tests done, seen several doctors.

I am taking a vacation to Miami this week with my roommates. It’s my first adult trip and it’s paid entirely with my own money. I feel empowered.

I am hurting right now and I don’t know if I’m up to talk about it yet, but I will one day.

At the end of the day I am someone who wants to love and be loved in return, but that’s too much to ask for…

I am not an after thought. I am not to be treated like I am less than. I am more and what will be portrayed of me in the next couple of weeks. I hope are honest words.

I’ve only ever fully loved two people in my life. I always say three, but tonight made me realize two. One is the person I fell in love with when I first moved to New York and the other came my final year of college.

It’s hard loving someone more than they love you. It’s hard valuing the other person more than they value you. It’s hard loving someone who is a good man, but flips into an entirely different person when things get hard.

At the end of a bad day, a day like I had today at work. The only person I wanted to talk was him and I couldn’t. That has been taken from me.

To truly, deeply love someone who has seen me at my lowest, in my darkest depression and to have them take advantage of that love. It’s sickening. I’ll probably never hear from him again. As much as that pains me to say. He hasn’t proved me wrong yet.

I’m hurting now, but I’ll be ok eventually.

For now, I am logging off and enjoying my vacation with friends.

Thank you to all of my readers. You have helped me more than you know.




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